The Adventures of Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesy 3:The Vault 420
After the events of the last episode, we join our heroes in the airspace of the moon on their way to Earth to get Memez and Jack. Kerbin has control of the ship, as Bonesy was finding the final touches on his new Bass Cannon (Which now played Shirk-Haunted) #uselessinfo. Kerbin was just over Earth's airspace when he saw the alert on the comm-unit. Kerbin: "Uuuhhh, Bonesy?" Bonesy: "(half mindedly) Yeah Kerb?" Kerbin: "What is this?" He pointed towards a rainbow colored dot approaching the ship at amazing speed. Bonesy: "...oh shit." Kerbin: "What,what is it!?!" Bonesy: "BRACE FOR IMPACT!" The force of a speeding Rainbow Dash hitting the Rickroll destroyed the engines, sending them crashing towards the earth. Celtic walks out, nude and scared. Celtic: "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!?!" Kerbin: "HOLD ON TO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T YOUR DICK, DAMMIT." Ryuko: "BUT MASTER, I DO THAT!" Bonesy: "IMPACT IN THREE...TWO...ONE.." The crash was enormous. If the cockpit wasn't situated in the back, our heroes would've died then and there. The entire front half of the ship was completely destroyed. There was no way to get off this barren rock. Kerbin: "(hack) (kof) W-what was that?" Celtic: "Ah shit, wheres Ryuko!?" Kerbin: "More like where are your clothes, but my question still stands." Bonesy: "(KOFF) Short-range RD missiles. A brony weapon staple. Veronica, we need to...." Bonesy looked around to see that their current party was a complete SausageFest. For some people, literally. Bonesy: "VERONICA! (hits ship) VERONICA! (hits ship) VERONICA! (hits ship)." Celtic: "(mumbles) If it wasn't enough of a ripoff already..." Bonesy: "We need to find them." Celtic: "I agree fully. I am extremely hard right now." Kerbin: "DUDE!!!" Bonesy: "Not even gonna look dude. Not. Even. Gonna. Look." Meanwhile,in a far distant part of this world, Ryuko and Veronica had gotten in an escape pod before the crash, hoping their respective men had escaped as well. Veronica: "Where are we, Ryuko?" Ryuko: "Like i know. Damn that crash hurt." Veronica: " (surprised face) Ryuko: "Oh, don't look at me that way. I talk that way to keep Celtic interested in me. Veronica: "Okay, not judging. (wegotabadassoverhere)" The two girls crested a hill, leading to a valley town destroyed by the Brony Menace. The houses burned, the skyscrapers toppled (Yes there were skyscrapers and they only just now saw the town, fuck logic.) and rotted corpses littered the street. The sign that used to say "Retards' Attempt At Poetry" was painted with the blood of their denizens into now saying "EQUESTRIA 176." Veronica: "Ho-lee shit." Ryuko: "So this is the reason we have to kill these guys." Veronica: "You didn't get that from them shooting down the ship?" Ryuko: "...Shut up." They began to see a pattern in the bodies. They were all laid out in an arrow like shape. They followed the path of corpses to a horrifying sight. People, with the deformed heads of ponies,horses hindquarters, and arms stripped of all flesh, veins, and muscle. Almost like Satanic Satyrs (Good name for a band,that is.) Veronica: "Eeeww. That's pretty gross." Ryuko: "How do you wanna go about this?." Brony #1: "I dunno, Celestia seems kinda uptight to me." Brony #2: "But she's soooo preettyyy!!!" Brony #3: "What about Applejack?." Both Bronies glare at him. Veronica:"I got this." Veronica knocks three arrows into the Bow of Flame Wars. Firing them all and hitting each brony. Brony #2: "CELESTIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" (Bursts into flames) Brony #3: "AAAPPPLLLLLEEEJJJAAAAAAAAAA! (Self conflagrates) Brony #1: "BONESYDIDN'TWANTTORESEARCHANOTHERPONYAAAAAA!!!" (Explodes) Ryuko: "What did he say?" Veronica: "I dunno, lets get inside." Meanwhile, back at Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesies location. They have finally made it to Bonesy's house. Bonesy hits a brick on the side of his house to reveal the garage which held the entrance to the Vault. Kerbin: "How do you have this?" Bonesy: "I came across some money, Vault-Tec wanted it, we made a deal." Celtic: "But why would they allow you to have a Vault?" Bonesy: "Oh no, they still control experimentation. But it was a LOT of money." Kerbin: "Lucky bastard." Bonesy: "Be warned, when you enter here, Fallout logic applies." Celtic: "Like what?" Bonesy: "Everything explodes when shot, except us. You can store everything in the world in a footlocker, stuff like that." Kerbin: "Sounds like fun." Bonesy: "Should be." Kerbin: "Lets-a go!" They all entered the door to the vault entrance, and were presented with a loading screen. So they waited And waited Waiting .. ... .... ..... Finally! it was open! Celtic was now clothed, the T-shirt and undies combo from the vanilla nude models of Fallout. Celtic: "Aah man, I liked that. Felt a good breeze now and then." Bonesy: "Seriously, shut up and check your inventories." They all checked their inventories. Bonesy had The BoneBane Blade. Kerbin had the Bancannon and 3 magazines. Celtic had a Shishkebab (If you don't know what it is,look it up.It's fooking badass m8) and The Sword of Blatant Ripoffs. The team heard shots,and ran towards them. As they were turning the corner, a pistol came out of nowhere and hit Bonesy in the face,shooting something to his right. Mystery man: "DIE YOU AUTISTIC KEBABS, SERBJA STRONG!!" Bonesy: "Ow ow ow, Jesus man that hurt... Wait, Spooky?" Spooky: "Yes, Bonesy. We must go, there are kebabs everywhere!" Bonesy examined one of the "Kebabs". The thing was sickening. The face and neck was that of a L4D Jockey. The torso, hips and legs were that of a Deathclaw. It had The wings of a Cazadore, one of its hands was permanently fused to it's penis. It only took a few seconds to realize what this creature really was. Bonesy: "It's a Vore-addict. But, it's been.... Mutated." Kerbin: "How do you know this guy?" Bonesy: "He was the first person I met when I joined the Wiki." Spooky: "This is not a Vore-addict, is kebab." Celtic: "No, that's a Vore-addict alright." Spooky: "NO, IS KEBAB. I AM A VETERAN OF THE KEBAB WARS, WITH 1,337 CONFIRMED KILLS!" Kerbin: "Jesus,okay m8 it's a kebab" Celtic: "(whispers) has he always been like this?" Bonesy: "You get used to it." Spooky: "Come friends, let us remove the Kebab menace. SSSEEEERRRBBBBBJJJAAAAA!!!" Spooky ran forward into a corridor, right straight into Memez and Jack. Jack: "Hey m80. Bad timing for a visit." Memez: "Hey Bonesy, nice to see you." Spooky got up, Makarov in hand. Spooky: "Come friends, there are kebabs in need of removing, let's go!" Celtic: "I like that attitude! Let's go!" Bonesy: "Wait, wait. Memez, Jack, you guy's have weapons?" Memez: "I have my Staff." Jack: "I've been beside this guy the whole time, so I've been using him as a meat shield." Bonesy: "(Smiles) I got you something, Jack. (Hands Jack the 420NOSCOPE Rifle) Jack: "(look of pure awe) This is amazing, Bonesy! (Begins to hear MLGStep) Oh my god, I love you man." Bonesy: "Alright, now we're ready!" Everyone: (for no real reason) "'REMOVE KEBAAAAAAABBB!!!!" The battles had that day were the most amazing battles ever seen. Memez took 3 of them out, the immense knowledge of pressure points helping him along his way. Jack was REKTING scrubs and 0wning n00bs, 420NOSCOPING everything in sight. He shot four of them at once, to which,he gained the achievement "Fourfer Mcdoorfeer". Kerbin used the Bancannon to completely explode a small crowd of them, and a wall behind them. Celtic used the Sword of Blatant Ripoffs to decapitate EVERY Brony. Bonesy Popped-out with such ferocity that 5 of the Vore-addicts skeletons popped out and started dancing, BEFORE TURNING INTO DUST.(FUCKYEAHALLCAPS) Meanwhile, the two women were talking about their men while trying to get further into the facility. Veronica: "..And because he's really smart. What about you and Celtic?" Ryuko: "He has some amaaazing poetry." Veronica: "Reealllyyy? (suspiciousfaceisuspicious) Ryuko: "Nah, it's for the sex." Veronica: "Thought so. Two on the right, your turn." Ryuko threw her Scissor Blade in a boomerang like fashion, chopping the heads off of both of the Bronies. Then, Veronica noticed something in the hand of one of them. A note. Ryuko: "What does it say?" Veronica: " 'Plot Devices Inc. would like to tell you that there is an entrance to Vault 420 past the weird freaky monster thing. Thank you.' Huh." Ryuko: "Huh, how convenient." Veronica: "May have to invest in these guys, but that means that an entrance to where the guys are is here!!!" Ryuko: "So let's go find it!" Veronica: "It should be at the bottom of the building, one second." Veronica wound her arm up to terminal velocity, her arm going so fast it broke the sound barrier. When she punched the floor, all they could see was a hole down into the floor where they needed to go. Ryuko: "But, if we go through the floors one by one, we'll level up faster. Veronica: "Yeah,we should do that instead." The two women ran through the rooms, destroying every trace of Bronies and Vore-Addicts with precision the likes of which has never been seen on this godforsaken planet. Blood and gore were strewn about the walls, shit looked like Saw II. When they finally got there, they saw something so horrid, it's very existence was an abmination. The Mother Pegasister. She had 4 heads of various ponies, all with gored out eyes. Long tentacle like objects fell out of her back,spewing eggs to be shipped to the Breeding Centres. Her body was grotesque,yet fit and firm .Hours of training for a moment when someone tried to enter this vault. She had 6 different boobs, like a cow, For the Alpha Vore. Her son. She roared and sprinted towards the Two. They readied their weapons, The Scissor Blade and the Gauntlets of Earth, ready to destroy this abomination. They lunged forward, Meanwhile, at Bonesy's side. Kerbin: "Welp, shit hit the fan preeetttyy quick." Spooky: "These Kebabs are stronger than the others." Memez: "Hey Jack, how's the lock coming?" Jack: "Trying m80, my Lockpick skill is only 59 so we might be a while." Celtic: "I am realy feckin scared man." Bonesy: "Move over, I'll hack the terminal." Bonesy tried hacking, then got REALLY pissed because he couldn't grasp how to do this simple minigame, and used the console commands to remove the door. Jack: "DUDE! That could fuck your entire game up. Restore it." Bonesy: "No! I'm not doing that shit again." Jack: "You have to m8, it was a loading door." Bonesy: "(sigh) Restore itemID 67531178 1." Jack: "Thank you. Ah! Got it." Jack unlocked the door, just as the door they were blocking was smashed down. Vore-addict: "HERE'S JOHNNY!" Kerbin: "THE SHINING WAS A GREAT MOVIE, DAMMIT." They all entered the loading door before the Vore-addict could do any damage to them. They used the long load times to catch their breath. Bonesy: "That was some skurrey shit m8." Jack: "The vault exit should be here somewhere." Bonesy: "I hope there's no boss in the next room." (FORESHADOWING) Celtic: "And i hope there's no graphic descriptions of them." Bonesy: "Now that's asking a little too much, innit?" Memez: "I don't think so." Spooky: "WHERE ARE THE KEBABS?!?!?!" Bonesy: "They'll be there, Spooky." The loading screen stopped, and they were forced to view a horrible sight. The creature before them had a horses legs, stripped of all skin. Four arms, weapons in each of them, the deformed head of Pinkie Pie resting where his real head should be. The weapons he wielded were wickedly curved and scarily sharp and double-bladed. Something told the team that he wouldn't be open to reasoning. Memez spun his Staff, Spooky cocked his Makarov, and Kerbin reloaded the Bancannon. Jack dewed up the 420NOSCOPE Rifle, Celtic drew the Sword of Blatant Ripoffs, and Bonesy primed the BoneBane Blade for Popping out. They ran towards the creature, intent on destroying it. Meanwhile, at Ryuko's side. Ryuko got the first hit. The Mother let her guard down, underestimating her opponents. Ryuko sprinted forward, slicing her arm. Veronica was a step behind her, hitting the Mother in the stomach, causing her to fly across the room, hitting a wall. She was winded, but not for long. She recovered quickly, taking three swipes at Veronica, allowing Ryuko to get a shot in. The Mother dodged, catching Ryuko in the knee. She fell on her back, leaving an opportunity for the Mother to take a strike. Ryuko rolled just in time, allowing Veronica to get another punch in. She hit the ground hard, winding her for longer this time. Veronica got to her before she got back up. Blow after blow, Veronica landed on the Mother, pounding it's head into the concrete floor. Blood pooled where the abomination's head was. Veronica got back up, panting from the exertion of killing the damn thing. Veronica: "Let's do this again someti...what was that?!?" They heard a rumbling, followed by a thousand screams. Black smoke, with the hints of skulls and faces, blew the Vault door off it's hinges so hard, it tore through the building and destroyed a nearby home. Meanwhile, at Bonesy's side. The first one to go was Memez. The Staff bounced off of the creatures hide, and it backhanded him into a wall, knocking him unconscious. Jack tried to 420BLAZE the thing, but it kicked him in the stomach, knocking him out too. Spooky was the first to actually damage it, blew it's right arm off with his Makarov shouting "REMOVE KEBAB". He was beaten unconscious with the three other arms (weapons gone because fuck continuity.). Celtic hacked away, but the thing grabbed his sword throwing him into Memez. Kerbin Knocked the left arm off with the Bancannon. It didn't even flinch, and hit him with the stock of his own gun. Only Bonesy was left. He swung the BoneBane Blade at the creature. It grabbed it and bashed his skull open with it. . .. ... Bonesy felt relieved of all burdens, floating slowly upwards. Then he felt a sharp turn Downwards.Before he knew it he was in a dark room, in a small wooden chair with a gigantic... Something in front of him. It turned around to reveal a gigantic skeleton with a flaming skull. He lowered his head down to Bonesy and said in front of his face in a booming voice. "YOUR DEATH DOESN'T MEET QUALITY STANDARDS." Bonesy felt himself being rocketed back upwards at the speed of sound, rocketing to the world of the living, Possessed by the God-King. He went into Bonesy's body, stared at the Thing, and said One. Short. Sentence.... "Banned, LOL." When he said that, a black mist shot out of Bonesy's mouth, knocking the creature into the Vault door, and out to the building above. All that was left, was a hole to the outside, and a surprised looking Veronica and Ryuko. Veronica:"W-what was that?" Bonesy: (returned to normal) "A little parting gift from LOLSKELETONS." Ryuko: "Can you do that again? Bonesy: "Nah,that would make me a Gary Stu, wouldn't it? Now help me get these guys up here. They began to bring each of the party up. One by one, they each regained consciousness. Spooky: "Did we remove kebabs?" Veronica: "What is a kebab?" Bonesy: "(Covers Spooky's ears.) Shhhh Shhh SHH. Don't ask. He Will sing the song. Memez: "Wait, what's that?" Memez pointed at a small timer with a label that read "Git NUk3d M8.".Obviously, It was an MLG b0mb. They had to get out,and fast. Veronica: "We should run,shouldn't we?" Kerbin: "Great plan." Everyone then started a sprint upwards as fast as Troll-ably possible. They were about 30 feet away outside of the entrance when they heard. The Bomb:"TIME IS UP. SMOKE WEED ERRYDAY." The resulting explosion was a mixture of orange-green mist, hit markers, and sample text in Comic-Sans, completely destroying the remnants of the Brony Base. Jack: "That...was...beautiful. (sniff) I'm about to cry. (salutes) Smoke weed erryday." Celtic: "What's wrong with him?" Bonesy: "Nothing,he follows the religion of Doggology." Memez: "That sounds stupid." Jack: "IT'S WHO I AM!!!" Ryuko: "That's great and all, but how do we get off this planet?" Celtic: "Ryuko, You aren't sayng "Kawaii" like you used to..." Ryuko: "I can expla.." Celtic: "SSHhhhhh, I like it" Bonesy: "There's a shack about a half mile away." Celtic: "THNX m8." Celtic and Ryuko ran off. Bonesy: "There has to be an old Station here.There couldn't be another way they got off this planet." Jack: "When we got shuttled into the Vault, we saw them take their ships into a facility over the hill. But there's a problem." Bonesy: "What?" At the Station,the Party were faced with an army of Pink, Fuchsia, and Periwinkle ships. Kerbin: "Shit!" Memez: "I'm not getting in that." Bonesy: "Don't worry, I have a shit ton of red and black spray-paint in the cargo bay." Jack: "Yay, Plot conveniences!" They took hours to fully paint the fastest Cruiser they could find, painting it black with 3 red stripes. Bonesy: "You know, I think I'm starting to feel a bit Gary Stu-ish." Veronica: "Nah, you're fine Bonesy." Kerbin: "All good here, let's get off this rock!" And so, Kerbin, Celtic, Ryuko, Veronica, Spooky, Jack, Bonesy and Memez (run on sentences, yo!) piled into the ship, entering Sanic speed in less than three seconds. Leaving Earths orbit, they had one last trip to make. Planet Equestria. Animefan kneeled at the base of his masters throne. Animefan: "No Master, he isn't dead. He Used his Pop-out to resurrect himself. He destroyed the dagger you gave me." ???: "I forgive you. Here, this should work more effectively." A bright pink cannon levitated in front of Anime, beckoning him to pick it up. Animefan: "T-thank you my lord." ???: "Just remember,of you fail..." Anime: "W-what will you do,master?" His master threw off her cloak, to reveal a horrific sight. Pinkie Pie: "Me and you will make cupcakes!"